You should definitely file this under too much information. In fact, if you’re a bit squeamish you might file it under “don’t wanna puke on my keyboard”.
For the past week and a half I’ve been struggling with a cold. I don’t often get colds but when I do I get whinny and this time was no different. I’m a big fan of the whole oxygen thing and spending a week living like a mouthbreather is no fun.
Luckily, I rediscovered the joys of the Neti Pot. I hadn’t used one in ages and I don’t remember having a good time with it in the past. Maybe I didn’t have the salinity of the water right. Maybe I didn’t like it back then because my ex was pushing me to do it. Like any invasive procedure, you can’t really force someone into Neti Pot-ism. They have to embrace the concept themselves.
I’m getting ahead of myself a bit. What is a Neti Pot, you may be asking. A Neti Pot is a ceramic pot, shaped much like a genie lamp, that you fill up with salt water, stick it up one nostril, tilt your head, and let the water flow in your nose through one nostril and out the other. That’s pretty much it, but wikipedia, as usual, has a much more informative article. 
What that article (or any article on Neti Pot) won’t tell you is the sheer amount of stuff that lives inside your head, especially if you’ve got any kind of sinus infection. Yes, I supposed that it makes sense that if you put warm salt water up your nose stuff is going to come out. I expected that. What I didn’t expect is that amount and … uh … consistency and color of the stuff.
I’m in awe of the shit that came of my head after using the Neti Pot during this cold. I guess I never knew how much space there is in my head for snot. I figured that much of the space in my head was allocated for functional organs, like the brain, eyes, ear canals and … crap, I don’t know … just head-stuff.
But after a Neti Pot or two of nasal lavage I’d get handfuls of snot. Well, maybe palmfuls. In any case, the sheer volume of snot that came out makes me re-evaluate what my head is really for. I’m going to revise my previous estimates and say that about 75% of it is functional and/or structural. The other 25% is hollow space used for the secretion and accumulation of various fluids of differing viscosity.
And that leads me to the other “thing” … the “various fluids of differing viscosity”. It’s like the snot hat comes out your nose after Neti Pot is a version of self-secreted gelatinous diamond-like material. After each expulsion I’d find myself rating the new arrival on color, consistency, clarity, and carots. Sometimes the specimen was small and clear, with a lightly gelatinous consistency, almost like frothy Karo Syrup. I think of these as the industrial diamond equivalent in snot… unremarkable yet abundant.
Occasionally I’d find a slightly cloudy, pale nugget, perhaps a bit more viscous that the clear samples. These were a bit rarer, but still not awe inspiring.
The truly awe inspiring specimens were very rare indeed. Only twice during my cold did I find something I considered especially noteworthy. I’m not claiming that these were Hope Diamond-like in their snotish grandeur, but they would definitely merit a spot in my own personal Museum of Natural History.
Like most discoveries of this significance, both took me by surprise. I’d finished my Neti routine and spent a few minutes blowing out the low-quality, industrial snot. And both times I figured I was almost done with the process and was just doing a final blow to make sure.
That first time I plugged my left nostril, blew gently out my right, and felt a little resistance. I took another breath and blew a little harder, hoping I wasn’t getting congested again. I felt my breath snag a little 
… and then things get a little hazy. I felt a sudden pop and out comes this … pellet, a little larger than a quarter, the color and consistency of slimy pumpkin pie filling. My first thoughts were “What the fuck is that thing and how long has it been living inside my head?!”. It looked a bit dazed, clinging to the side of the sink, like some kind of shell-less mollusk that had been roused from its hiding place. I wished I’d taken pictures of it now, but I panicked and quickly washed it down the drain before it could come to and attempt to reclaim its lair.
The 2nd great discovery happened last Saturday. I was feeling a bit stuffed up and decided to have another go. Same situation as last time. The Neti process went smoothly. I’d perfected the salt:water ratio so there was no stinging. After a pot in each nostril I was blowing out each nostril a final time when a huge yellowish mass suddenly splatted against my hand. This time there was no warning like with the pumpkin pie mollusk incident. One second there was
nothing bit a little clear snot and some salt water and the second I’m looking at about 2 tablespoons of lemon curd slapped against the palm of my hand and the side of the sink. I blow again - another slap of curd. As with the first time I am so shocked that I immediately wash it down the sink. I try not to blame myself for my rashness … really, both instances were so unexpected that I wasn’t really thinking about the photo-journalistic possibilities here.
I may be experiencing a bit of cognitive dissonance here, but having gone through these traumatic moments of nasal self-discovery, I think I’m a slight bit addicted to the Neti Pot. I can’t help but to think about what else may be inhabiting my head … and that I need to do the Neti Pot again to dislodge these sinus invaders.
I keep thinking back to that scene in the Wrath of Kahn where Kahn puts that grubby Ceti Eel thing in Checkoff’s ear. I know there’s one of those up my nose someplace and I’ll be damned if I let it breed up there.
